the [Queen] of wishful thinking.

so I literally just had to email my parents (who like all of my friends and the rest of my family, who I miss so much right now, are over 700 miles away) tonight to tell them my phone was stolen because that is now the only way I have to communicate with them. fucking email. not trying to be pathetically shallow and addicted to technology, but I feel like this last two year contract has been the longest I’ve ever had with a piece of shit phone. I have been waiting so so so patiently for that contract to expire and to be eligible for an upgrade. I finally got it ONE WEEK AGO and I was loving my iphone soooo much, I was so careful with it and my dad had just bought and sent me the most hardcore protective case available. and now it’s fucking gone in the possession of some soulless piece of shit lowlife. and I have used my upgrade I waited 2 painfully long years for, probably don’t have insurance yet, and a new iphone without a contract is $650… which is more than I made in a month when I actually had a job, which I no longer do since I just moved here a week and a half ago. I’ve never actually stolen anything in my life, other than a candy bar from Long’s when I was little which I proudly showed my mom after we got out of the store, causing her to promptly march my butt back in and make me give it back. and I’ve known people who have stolen from stores and it’s not something I have done or would do, but it doesn’t seem that awful either. I mean, stores are like “The Man” and they’re not going to miss random small items like that too much. it really won’t hurt them. but to me, stealing from another individual is so much worse. they’re not some huge fucking company that won’t miss that thing you stole from them. I have now had my wallet, driver’s license, debit/credit cards, brand new digital camera, and brand new iphone stolen from me. and I just want to say to the pathetic fucking losers who stole them, I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU GET YOURS, YOU PIECES OF SHIT. seriously, fucking die. what iphones should really have is something that pops up on the screen and gives the person whose possession the phone is now in 10 seconds to call the owner and make it right and make plans to return their phone before self-destructing. just pops up “You have 10 seconds to do THE RIGHT THING” and it’s all ready for you to call the person’s home phone or whatever the designated number is. “10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… BOOM… SPLAT”. you’re fucking blown up. whatevs. you’re a worthless lowlife whose soul is full of shit anyway. that would make me really happy. literally don’t even care if that sounds like an overreaction or a punishment that does not fit the crime. I find a phone or a wallet and I turn it in because I’m a good person and that’s what I would want someone to do for me. I’m at work or just trying to have fun and someone reaches into my purse and steals my shit. I’m fucking sick to death of this happening and people getting away with it. alternate scenario: verizon won’t allow the phone to be registered under another number becuase it’s reported stolen. it is now useless to the pathetic thief. arrange to meet up with them promising a reward. meet up with them, get phone, don’t give them reward. instead arrest them “for being a piece of shit”. and maybe try out my pepper spray on them and the miss congeniality nose break move I’ve always wanted to do while I’m at it.

I can’t fucking stand my guy roommate. he’s 27 and he’s a fucking bum who passes out on the couch until midday and never ever turns off lights and jacks up MY electricity bill. he’s a lazy ass fuck who never does shit and apparently thinks he deserves more than $20 to do a job which contributes nothing of value to society so he quit that and literally does nothing. his fucking weird psycho mom comes over and does his laundry and dishes for him (which he lets build up during the week despite the 24 hour dish rule) and she brings his 4 year old niece over while my girls are over and we’re getting shitfaced. he steals my parking spot during MY week with it and then he acts like a PMSing bitch and he says “you don’t need to act like that” when all I said is “hey I’d appreciate it if my parking spot were open when I got home tonight”. personally, I thought that was very nice sounding as opposed to a simple “my parking spot better be fucking open when I get home tonight” which was what I wanted to say. AND I thought texting you was more polite than calling you out in front of that pathetically naive 15 year old looking girl you had over and are apparently trying to fuck while probably still stringing along your (way better than you) ex.

FUCK OFF. if you don’t grow the fuck up and start turning off lights and doing dishes and respecting house rules, I will make you homeless because I am the only one on this lease and I have the power to kick your bitch ass the fuck out. so you better start sucking my metaphorical dick because I am the one running this show. and hey maybe you think me venting to my girls and talking about you behind your back is immature, but everyone talks shit, especially if they have a vagina and are 21. and being a 27 year old loser who can’t handle doing dishes or laundry without mommy’s help is just slightly more pathetic.