the [Queen] of wishful thinking.

cozy on the couch tonight, watching the glee finale and eating dinner. guy I’m talking to texts me in response to me postponing our bowling date saying “pat pat It’s okay.” fuck. don’t say the P word to me. 

went to the gym. spent the entire drive over there thinking about he-who-must-not-be-named and all the places and ridiculous occasions in which we hooked up. made me miss him.

walk into the gym. see his best friend’s brother almost immediately upon walking. like a knife in my gut. step outside to walk out to the pool and hear a cheesy 80s song. it’s only 867-5309 (Jenny), but cheesy 80s songs make me think of love, and so it’s a nice twist of the knife.

swimming laps. spend about 3 minutes thinking about the reasons what we had was bullshit… it was secret, we never actually went on any dates, etc.

spent the rest of the time thinking about missing him and whether or not I loved him and how I’m so glad my brother graduated last year and my sister is graduating next year because if I had to attend and run into his new girlfriend at her sister’s graduation, I’d probably die.

some old Fray song I’ve loved since high school comes on. The Fray is so good and yet they make me feel so emotional. lean against the wall of the pool and want to die. 

finish my laps, none of which I actually counted. soak in the hot tub for a few. read every single one of the rules. probably one of the only times tonight I didn’t think of him.

head back into the locker room and slip on a hoodie and sweats over my bathing suit. get in the car, decided to stop at in n out and grab some animal fries. why not? tomorrow I’ll be starting weight watchers and will be all careful and shit. today I’m feeling mopey and depressed. sounds like a good idea to me.

when I get to the window, I look in and that best friend’s brother I saw earlier… I see the best friend and his family. oh good. pretty sure by now I’ve bled out from all this knife twisting going on.

I love my friends here in Pleasanton and all, but good God, I cannot wait to leave this place. this lovely place where I grew up, where he grew up, where his new girlfriend who he cheated on with me (and unbeknownst to me) grew up. where we all went to the same elementary, middle, and high schools. where she and I both cheered. I met him almost 6 years ago and we’ve been sleeping together off and on for 3. almost exactly 3 years ago now.

I’ve never wanted to steal another girl’s boyfriend so bad. I want to run into her around town, preferably in a bar when I can say something ridiculous and blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. I have this fantasy where it’s thanksgiving or christmas and I’m home from ASU and he and I just have the most blissful night together and he’s still with her and I’m an evil whorey “other woman” and I don’t even give a fuck, because he was mine first. he always has been. I don’t know if it was love or if it was bullshit. I don’t even care if it was bullshit. he’s the only guy I ever feel anything with. I might as well just become a hooker because I feel absolutely nothing when I’m with anyone else.

after some reflection, I’ve come to realize that I never really loved or even particularly liked this guy. it was really just one big case of the kyle carbine effect that gone blown way out of proportion… that is to say, he told me he loved me and that is the only reason I thought I liked him. and then after that, I was just attached because I needed to be or else my first time would be meaningless. it all makes sense. after all, there is really nothing good or likeable about this guy. he’s pretty much a piece of shit.

that said, the fact remains that I’ve never been able to feel anything similar or as strong or even really enjoy being with other guys at all. none. whenever I’m with another guy, even one I like, I’m just going through the motions and feeling absolutely nothing. and that really scares me. 

I love my life. it’s not perfect, but there’s so much about it that’s great. I love that I have all the freedom that comes with this apartment and that I always have a place to hang out and can always offer my friends a place to crash. I love that during the summers I get paid to do what is basically a camp counselor job while hanging out with my best friends. I love that I’m in this amazing business club at my school where I’ve met some really great people and we all have the same business classes together. considering all that is wrong with my life, there is so much that is awesome. 

I was just thinking about this as I realized I won’t be here in a few months. I won’t be in this apartment, I won’t have either of my jobs, I won’t go to the same school, and I won’t see these friends constantly. when I think about how much is changing, I really want to cherish every moment I have and take full advantage of the way things are currently.

I’m really excited to turn 22. it just sounds good. 21 was exciting because it’s such a milestone, but now it just sounds babyish, like I’m “barely old enough”. I’m really excited for things to change in the future just because there’s so much I haven’t done yet, but I don’t want to make any unnecessary changes in my life until then. most of my close friends here are in relationships and of course I often think it would be nice to just have someone. but that doesn’t mean I actually want someone. at this point in my life, I’m not someone who wants to be tied down to a guy in any way. labels and statuses are uncomfortable and they kind of freak me out. and honestly, I see this as a sign of my maturity because a few years ago I just wanted a boyfriend so soooo bad. now I’m beyond that. when it’s right, it’ll happen.

the whole “Get Off Pat” campaign thing is not worth putting the effort into. because seriously, if I have to work so hard to get over the guy, it’s obviously NOT working. I saw him the other night and it was actually perfect. it was a quickie and it achieved everything I could have hoped for in that situation. 1) it was good and seemingly passionate, which are two very good qualities in a hookup. 2) I looked hot and he knew it. everyone always wants an ex to think they’re lookin good, even if they hate or are indifferent to them. it’s just the way life works. 3) as is the nature of a quickie, it was brief. unlike the  nights when he’d stay over, I still got plenty of sleep. 4) it was actually pretty funny in hindsight, particularly when I was watching How I Met Your Mother the next day and something happened almost exactly the same. and 5) his behavior made it really easy to feel absolutely nothing for him. definitely helpful in getting over someone.

that’s about all I have to say at the moment. I really need to sleep, like badly. I was exhausted several hours ago and I don’t even know why I’ve stayed up to this point.

the last two nights I’ve been reading old facebook, AIM, and myspace conversations with Pat, as well as blogs where I mentioned him. he is like this horribly addictive crack I cannot get enough of. if I can’t see or talk to him, I need to remember and think about the past with him. maybe I really am in love with him. maybe I don’t even want to get over him. maybe I’m just hoping if I ignore his existence for awhile, he’ll grow a pair and come back and treat me like a human being.

I was thinking about the serenity prayer that I mentioned in my new years’ resolutions and also that one tupac quote about moving on. I’ve done decent with accepting the things I cannot change when it came to getting over anger with people who really don’t matter, but I don’t know if I can successfully apply it to accepting and moving on from things with Pat. 

felt like reading something old and nostalgia-inducing before bed so I found my old xanga. read 2 or 3 pages and it didn’t make me nostalgic so much as it made me feel nauseous. it was just painful to read. I thought I was just bad in middle school, but I can’t stand my fifteen year old self. I wanna slap her. and here’s what’s funny: that is who Pat liked. that’s who I was when I met him. when he found a way to meet me because he thought I was hot. maybe I was a little better at that point after being cut from cheer and having to get my first job… who knows? all I know is that reading it I can’t believe I ever had that little substance. and that was when he liked me best. that should say it all.

spending a night in with a collection of recent CSI episodes on demand to keep me entertained and a boatload of statistics homework I gotta get done before monday. another semi-upsetting evening with my family and general feelings of loneliness make me really tempted to text Pat, but I know nothing good would come of it. way to stay strong, I guess.

I’m starting to think maybe Arizona is a good idea. (for reasons that actually have nothing to do with Pat. maybe that’s progress in itself.) I feel like one of my main reasons for wanting to stay close in San Francisco this next year is because of my desire to be close to my family. but maybe that’s not such a good idea. back in high school and after I first graduated, all I wanted was to get away from my parents. move somewhere like New York or LA and never look back. as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more appreciative of them and more family-oriented. but lately I feel like being around my family isn’t such a good thing. my siblings are pretty rude and spoiled and all they do is make fun of me. I’m tired of being the butt of all their jokes. why am I so concerned with being around this people that make me feel like shit? maybe I actually had it right the first time around. who knows?

so here I am watching some old grey’s anatomy in bed. I think about how it’s hard to watch this show and not think about relationships and the state of your love life. I think about Derek and Meredith. and then I remember some quote she says about their relationship that I tweeted when I was watching my old seasons back when I had mono a couple months ago. the significance of the quote was that it somehow related to things with Pat, whom I had managed not to talk to for a couple weeks at that point. a few minutes later, I get a text saying “I weirdly miss you” from Pat. after I play up how irritated I am for a bit, we end up talking again and the next night he comes over and rents me Easy A.  I don’t know. there’s no point to this story… just that this entire thought train started simply because I was watching grey’s.

but here’s an even better one also from tonight. I was doing laundry. tomorrow Alicia, West, Matt, and I are going to Henry’s opening day tailgate party and then maybe to the A’s game if we can get cheap enough tickets so even though I’m a Giants fan I thought I’d break out my ancient Eric Chavez shirt because of course I always like to dress festive for whatever I’m doing. this shirt is significant though. to me, anyway. I wore it the day I lost my virginity to Pat. I remember I wore it work. I was working with Andy, who of course I had a crush on, and it was my last day working at Nielsen Elementary with him before the school closed. I also got hit in the face with a wiffle ball bat at work and I had a fat lip. funny actually that I had a fat lip the first time Pat and I did the deed, because the last time we did he gave me a fat lip. that’s one thing I won’t miss. he bites too hard and too much. I also remember I was grounded. and yet I managed to go lose my virginity. I said I was going for a walk and I just left (my mom was pissed… I wonder if she knew) and then I walked around the corner and he picked me up. I remember afterward my best friend, Sara, came over to discuss this monumental moment in my life and we made nachos. I could also tell you the rest of my outfit that I wore that day, except for what flip flops I was wearing.

I remember a lot of details like that. Pat thinks it makes me really weird. I even remember the day we met. I started thinking about it recently. I was 15, it was the summer before my junior year, and I liked this 19 year old guy Joey who I worked with at Pump It Up. he was pretty cool. he had just recently (maybe even the same night) introduced me to to Motion City Soundtrack. I might have worked with him that evening and then come home. either that, or it had been just a couple days earlier and I already had a full fledged crush on him. I knew who Pat was… just because I’d seen him around since we’d gone to the same schools my entire life and because I’d heard things about him from the other cheerleaders the previous school year. he IMed me and he pretended like he had the wrong screen name and then he was basically just like “well you’re pretty cute, we should talk.” it was so transparent. even for back then. I wasn’t interested, but I talked to him anyway. I remember mentioning it to my mom, but keeping something about our conversation a secret because somehow at the time I didn’t think Pat and parents mixed. (oh, how right I was. my parents think he’s the biggest piece of shit on earth.) there was like a meteor type thing that night. I remember sitting outside in the hot tub with my mom watching for it, possibly texting him at the same time.

everything leads back to Pat. a tv show, a tshirt, another crush, a meteor. it sucks. he is fucking everywhere. I want to erase him from my brain.

so I was telling Alicia about this whole “quitting Pat” business last night and she made a really good point. he’s always just sort of been in the background of my life and I’ve never really depended on him… so basically I can totally do this. 

today was a good day. woke up, watched some grey’s and got ready, wore my Brian Wilson jersey. (unfortunately we lost, but c’est la vie. at least the regular season has started.) work was good, busy with lots of math homework help. picked up some new (cheaper) makeup at ulta and then went to BevMo for the first time ever. I think I might be in love. it’s not that the prices are so fantastic, it’s just the massive selection of alcohol. I picked up some stuff for the tailgate tomorrow and I got a BevMo card. but I think I wanna make a habit of coming back and trying different kinds of beer… graduate from drinking shitty coors and bud light. plus I found my beloved green apple smirnoff ice six packs!

anyway, I managed not to think about Pat once all day except in a random moment during zumba glass at the gym this evening when my brain was just like “Pat’s in Chico partying… eh. well, I’m being productive and awesome” and that was it. until I came home and saw he liked this girl’s status that was front and center in my facebook news feed and it felt like a punch in the gut. oh well. didn’t particularly make me want to text him anyway.

made it through the first 24 hours, going for 48 now.