the [Queen] of wishful thinking.

2 weekends ago, I was sooo happy to go home to California. and then by the time I was leaving, I was so unhappy with my family and disappointed with some of my friends that other than Jules and Nick’s amazing wedding, I was like WHY EVEN BOTHER? and then after a day back in Tempe, I started really missing Pleasanton again.

last weekend in Oregon was, without a doubt, one of the most awesome weekends ever. so much amazingness. I’ll probably post more later, but I haven’t because as the point of this whole post is… since coming home, I’ve been sad sad sad as fuck. it’s sucked to leave Portland and see such an amazing weekend end. it’s sucked that my bike lock got stuck and my bike is now locked to a fence and is currently un-rideable. it’s sucked being back at school and not giving enough of a shit to go to my classes all week (except one). it’s sucked and hurt a lot that my sister’s a rat bitch and won’t be visiting me anymore but will be coming to my area anyway. and it’s sucked feeling like I suddenly have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I’ve been this fat ball of depression. other than going to work for a total of about 5 hours, grocery shopping/errands for about 2 hours yesterday, and that one sports management class on monday night, I have not done shit other than sleep, eat, and watch tv shows. I haven’t really called or texted anyone back. I’ve just stayed in my ridiculously messy room, hiding out from the world.

tonight after getting home from work and eating dinner, I stumbled upon the classes for spring 2012. I’ve since spent hours putting together a schedule with everything I want (Harry Potter & American Culture and a science requirement filled by Biology Behind the Crime Scene) and everything I decided needed to be taken this semester (Special Events Management, Inclusive Community Development, Tourism Marketing) plus one more to max it out (Sustainable Tourism). I’m feeling pretty good about this schedule, the professors, and all the work availability room it leaves. I’m also hoping these classes will be quite a bit less bland than most of the ones I’m taking now. we’ll see I guess. 

so I’ve made one genuinely awesome friend here so far. and weirdly, shockingly, WTF-ishly I met her at a club for Christians. I know, right? it’s like “whaaaaat? you’re in a Christian club?” I joined because they seemed nice and really I just joined more for the social reasons, but I’ve definitely read the Bible a bit as a result. 

see, I have this one friend. and then I have a lot of friend substitutes and they’re people I’m in clubs with. I guess some of them have kind of become friends, but other than going to football games with this guy from one of the clubs, I haven’t really done much with any of these people other than club sanctioned events.

but you see, I’ve joined PBL, the ASU chapter of the same business club I was in back home. and we’ve had a couple meetings, some socials, I watched The Hangover 2 with them, and I’m co-directing the sponsorships for a big event we put on for the high schoolers in January. and I’ve joined Camp Sparky, where we’ve put on camps for 5th graders and gone out to dinner and hung out downtown and gone to the trampoline park. I’ve joined the Sports Business Association (SBA). I got to go listen to Rod Graves, the Arizona Cardinals’ GM, speak at a meeting, and just last weekend I got to with them to see the Giants and Diamondbacks play… AFTER getting a big tour of Chase Field, enjoying batting practice, dinner at Alice Cooperstown, and a little sitdown with an exec for the Diamondbacks. what else? Dumbledore’s Army… there’s been a couple DA meetings, a sorting ceremony, hanging out getting dinner afterwards. And of course the Christian club… hiking “A” mountain and lots of other fun, chill hangouts there.

so the thing is I always have something to do. I mean, I do have a few nights a week where I get home from class and can truly relax with no meetings or plans or commitments. (well, I should be doing homework.) but the point is, I always have tons of options. between all the clubs I’m in and things through the School of Community Resources and Development, there is always, ALWAYS something. look at last Friday. I was invited to an event the Christians were having and there was a DA meeting and event I would have liked to attend as well, but I was doing the Dbacks thing with the SBA and loving it so I didn’t go to either of those. on wednesday, I have class in the morning and then I’m actually skipping my bible study sess to stay in Phoenix and get lunch with my dad while he’s in town. I’m sticking around after for a Event Planning, Sports, Tourism Career Panel. (could that be any more perfect? that’s every career I can’t decide between.) then I’m coming back to Tempe where the SBA and PBL both have meetings and socials I have to choose between. oh, how about Saturday? Zoo trip with Camp Sparky, football game against OSU, and girls night with the Christians. can’t do it all. not to mention, I’ve already been told about a variety of other events I’ll be missing to go home, etc. but I guess it’s better to have all these options and too much to do then nothing to do and no one to hang out with.

it’s weird. I’m always with people, but it’s not as satisfying as the friendships I’m used to. there is also some serious partying/boozing lacking. particularly considering I GO TO ASU lol. we’ll see what happens from here. october’s about to be crazy… I’m turning 22, starting a new job, going home to CA for a wedding, possibly going to Oregon, my sister and her friend are visiting (and we’re going to Taylor Swift!), and then it’s Halloween/Homecoming/the camp I’m co-directing at Camp Sparky. oh, and then there’s the world series happening. I am now expecting the Diamondbacks to go all the way and ensure that I get to attend a world champs parade for a second year in a row. like I said, crazy.

today was RaeAnne’s bridal shower and it was just really cool and so lovely and I’m really genuinely glad I went. I always say I’m not remotely ready to get married (AND I’M NOT because I’m only 21 and single as fuck and I like it that way), but I’m really excited to get married someday and have showers and all that stuff. there’s just something I really like about registering for and choosing all these lovely things and basic home staples that will become a part of your new grown up life. it’s so exciting. I just love the thought of it.

• finishing my last and final school year working at Green Elementary (and banking some sweet presents off that)? check.
• training week aka one week of extra hours and getting paid to hang out and play games with my best friends? check.
• one final, most amazing summer doing the dublin camp counselor thing? check.
• best friends ever and 3 more months of epic wednesday ladies nights? check.
• one trip to orlando, florida where I will hang out with other business club kids and finally get to go to DisneyWorld and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter? check.
• condo in wailea and one glorious week in maui? check.
• really cute/fun/smart/awesome boy to snuggle with? check.
• wedding? check.
• final harry potter movie? check.
• Giants and A’s games? check.
• ability to walk into bars and order alcoholic beverages? check.
• party house? check.

I feel like that pretty much covers it.

I love my life. it’s not perfect, but there’s so much about it that’s great. I love that I have all the freedom that comes with this apartment and that I always have a place to hang out and can always offer my friends a place to crash. I love that during the summers I get paid to do what is basically a camp counselor job while hanging out with my best friends. I love that I’m in this amazing business club at my school where I’ve met some really great people and we all have the same business classes together. considering all that is wrong with my life, there is so much that is awesome. 

I was just thinking about this as I realized I won’t be here in a few months. I won’t be in this apartment, I won’t have either of my jobs, I won’t go to the same school, and I won’t see these friends constantly. when I think about how much is changing, I really want to cherish every moment I have and take full advantage of the way things are currently.

I’m really excited to turn 22. it just sounds good. 21 was exciting because it’s such a milestone, but now it just sounds babyish, like I’m “barely old enough”. I’m really excited for things to change in the future just because there’s so much I haven’t done yet, but I don’t want to make any unnecessary changes in my life until then. most of my close friends here are in relationships and of course I often think it would be nice to just have someone. but that doesn’t mean I actually want someone. at this point in my life, I’m not someone who wants to be tied down to a guy in any way. labels and statuses are uncomfortable and they kind of freak me out. and honestly, I see this as a sign of my maturity because a few years ago I just wanted a boyfriend so soooo bad. now I’m beyond that. when it’s right, it’ll happen.

the whole “Get Off Pat” campaign thing is not worth putting the effort into. because seriously, if I have to work so hard to get over the guy, it’s obviously NOT working. I saw him the other night and it was actually perfect. it was a quickie and it achieved everything I could have hoped for in that situation. 1) it was good and seemingly passionate, which are two very good qualities in a hookup. 2) I looked hot and he knew it. everyone always wants an ex to think they’re lookin good, even if they hate or are indifferent to them. it’s just the way life works. 3) as is the nature of a quickie, it was brief. unlike the  nights when he’d stay over, I still got plenty of sleep. 4) it was actually pretty funny in hindsight, particularly when I was watching How I Met Your Mother the next day and something happened almost exactly the same. and 5) his behavior made it really easy to feel absolutely nothing for him. definitely helpful in getting over someone.

that’s about all I have to say at the moment. I really need to sleep, like badly. I was exhausted several hours ago and I don’t even know why I’ve stayed up to this point.

so here I am watching some old grey’s anatomy in bed. I think about how it’s hard to watch this show and not think about relationships and the state of your love life. I think about Derek and Meredith. and then I remember some quote she says about their relationship that I tweeted when I was watching my old seasons back when I had mono a couple months ago. the significance of the quote was that it somehow related to things with Pat, whom I had managed not to talk to for a couple weeks at that point. a few minutes later, I get a text saying “I weirdly miss you” from Pat. after I play up how irritated I am for a bit, we end up talking again and the next night he comes over and rents me Easy A.  I don’t know. there’s no point to this story… just that this entire thought train started simply because I was watching grey’s.

but here’s an even better one also from tonight. I was doing laundry. tomorrow Alicia, West, Matt, and I are going to Henry’s opening day tailgate party and then maybe to the A’s game if we can get cheap enough tickets so even though I’m a Giants fan I thought I’d break out my ancient Eric Chavez shirt because of course I always like to dress festive for whatever I’m doing. this shirt is significant though. to me, anyway. I wore it the day I lost my virginity to Pat. I remember I wore it work. I was working with Andy, who of course I had a crush on, and it was my last day working at Nielsen Elementary with him before the school closed. I also got hit in the face with a wiffle ball bat at work and I had a fat lip. funny actually that I had a fat lip the first time Pat and I did the deed, because the last time we did he gave me a fat lip. that’s one thing I won’t miss. he bites too hard and too much. I also remember I was grounded. and yet I managed to go lose my virginity. I said I was going for a walk and I just left (my mom was pissed… I wonder if she knew) and then I walked around the corner and he picked me up. I remember afterward my best friend, Sara, came over to discuss this monumental moment in my life and we made nachos. I could also tell you the rest of my outfit that I wore that day, except for what flip flops I was wearing.

I remember a lot of details like that. Pat thinks it makes me really weird. I even remember the day we met. I started thinking about it recently. I was 15, it was the summer before my junior year, and I liked this 19 year old guy Joey who I worked with at Pump It Up. he was pretty cool. he had just recently (maybe even the same night) introduced me to to Motion City Soundtrack. I might have worked with him that evening and then come home. either that, or it had been just a couple days earlier and I already had a full fledged crush on him. I knew who Pat was… just because I’d seen him around since we’d gone to the same schools my entire life and because I’d heard things about him from the other cheerleaders the previous school year. he IMed me and he pretended like he had the wrong screen name and then he was basically just like “well you’re pretty cute, we should talk.” it was so transparent. even for back then. I wasn’t interested, but I talked to him anyway. I remember mentioning it to my mom, but keeping something about our conversation a secret because somehow at the time I didn’t think Pat and parents mixed. (oh, how right I was. my parents think he’s the biggest piece of shit on earth.) there was like a meteor type thing that night. I remember sitting outside in the hot tub with my mom watching for it, possibly texting him at the same time.

everything leads back to Pat. a tv show, a tshirt, another crush, a meteor. it sucks. he is fucking everywhere. I want to erase him from my brain.

I cannot wait for this semester to be over. I cannot stand geography. I need to rid my life of that shit asap. it has been hanging over me like a plague since spring ‘08 when I first failed it. I am just so dumb when it comes to science. (REALLY, REALLY DUMB. FOR REAL.)

also calculus. fuck this shit. it’s not even that the concepts are so hard. it’s the flippin dippin workload and all the damn algebra that’s involved. the homework is sooooo dang long, I can’t get through it all. and then I don’t get through all the concepts and then the test comes and I’m effed.

I am just ready for it to be over and to move on. I’m hoping with all my might that stat next semester will be like a breath of fresh air after this. also that philosophy will not suck. because that is, like geography, to fill a GE requirement and probably not something I would have chosen. I really want to be at USF. I’m ready for a “new chapter in my life”, as certain lame people might say.

also I really want to get a job at this winery as a server. 1) because it is freakin beautiful there. and 2) because then when I move to the city and need to work, I can get a job as a server and skip the hostess bullshit and make the tips.

that said, reno was fun. the blackjack tables are my new loves. triple play poker machines are okay too. and betting on lovely, lovely giants at the casino sports book.♥

so this morning, I’m sitting around watching last night’s episode of the event when josh and melissa come home from school. they informed me that the las po spring class schedules were up online. so since then I’ve been obsessing with that as well as USF’s. (yes, I am totally lame and picking classes excites me that much.)

so the majority of las po probably has no idea that new class times are listed and I already have a nerdy schedule drawn up. that said, my schedule kind of sucks. I’m going to have a class as early as 9:30, which I managed to avoid this semester. I’m also going to have to have a class on friday, which I’ve managed to avoid since spring 2008 when I took a friday morning geography lab. but on the bright side, I only have classes three nights a week as opposed to the four I have this semester. and I have absolutely nothing after work on monday nights and absolutely nothing on tuesday and thursday mornings. so I’m taking stat, another accounting class, and retaking microeconomics (again) to finish up my lower level business classes. I’m also taking a psychology of human sexuality class to fulfill the health requirement for my AA, which I’m pretty excited about. and I’m taking philosophy class based around ethics that will go towards USF’s GE requirements. and according to ratemyprofessor.com, my stat and philosophy teachers are hot, so that’s always a plus.

we had another PBL business club meeting on monday. I am in love with this club. it’s like reliving DECA and/or leadership senior year. in two weeks, we are going on a field trip to the city to tour the federal reserve and this company called nCircle. later that week, we will be involved in the school’s fall festival. and then next month, we have our big conference at UC Berkeley. our next meeting won’t be until after that, but we’ll be electing a new vice-president because the old one dropped out. I’m thinking of throwing my hat in the ring for that because it certainly wouldn’t hurt.

so, yes. I’m a total freak. but oh well. I’m happy. I have 3 main priorities right now (school, gym/diet, and business club) and not one of them has a CACK. plus two more days and then I get to get out of pleasanton for the weekend. I am officially stoked.