the [Queen] of wishful thinking.

No really. I’m fucking pissed. (And all the cleverer names I tried coming up with for this were way too wordy.) 

September 9th. My first real football game as a Sun Devil. Because let’s be honest… Davis didn’t count. I had low expectations. I’d heard Missouri was quite good, and I honestly did not expect to win. It was a nailbiter and we won in overtime in the rain. We beat a ranked team. I couldn’t be happier to be a Sun Devil. Pretty fucking exciting shit.

Football season continues and we’re doing pretty well. We lost to Illinois when everyone said we shouldn’t have. Then in October, we beat USC. Unexpected but hoped for and so so important to the girl who gave up on her dream of being a Trojan within the last couple years. It was beyond the pride I’ve ever felt for anything in my life. I was following our rankings in the polls and it only added to my excitement.

I went to Oregon and paraded around with my classmates in our maroon and gold, toting around an “Overrated” sign featuring the Oregon “O”, along with another sign depicting Puddles the duck getting stomped to death by Sparky. We tailgated and got shitfaced and hung out on party buses with ASU alumni. I was so proud of the way we played that first half; it was close. Ultimately, we couldn’t keep it up in the second half. We lost and that was a cold and depressing ride bus ride back from Eugene, but it was okay. We’d had high hopes, but realistically losing to the Ducks was to be expected and not detrimental. 

We took two weeks off. It was homecoming and I got the oh-so-exciting experience of hanging out on the field before the game while the team warmed up followed by a front row spot in the reserved part of the student section. We played Colorado, a team who had not won a single game, and we killed them. We still had it. We were a shoe-in for Pac-12 South Champions and we were favored in our last four games.

And then it all changed. November 5th. To most college football fans, this was a big day because of the LSU-Alabama matchup. (How exciting that was.) UCLA was not very good, losing every other game… but they were the next highest team in our division and it was our most important game post-Oregon. It came down to them scoring right before the end of the game… they were just one point ahead. We had an opportunity for a field goal… three points that would give us the W. Our kicker, Alex Garoutte missed. We lost to the deeply average UCLA Bruins. It was the beginning of the end. 

The following weekend was suddenly extremely important. Everything was going according to plan. UCLA got beat by Utah which was exactly what we needed to stay in the lead of the South. Meanwhile, our hated rivals, the Arizona Wildcats, lost to a crappy Colorado team to add to the hilarity. At Buffalo Wild Wings, everything started to go wrong. Seemingly perfect Stanford ran out of Luck… losing to Oregon and causing my mood to plummet. And then the Cougars started to catch up to us. We had opportunities which we blew until eventually we lost to a WSU team who we should have easily beat. Any given day.

I was angry but I was hungry for our big rivalry game the following weekend. U of A blew. If Colorado was the worst team in the North, they were surely the worst in the South. But as they say, anything can happen in a rivalry game. And it did because we lost. Again. I drowned my sorrows on Mill Avenue because I was really a Sun Devil now and that’s what we do. (Although let me differentiate between myself and some of these other kids I go to school with. I care very much about the games and I go and watch and I don’t leave early to party. Which is not something I can say about the Sun Devil Nation as a whole.)

Black Friday indeed. There was a situation figured out. Utah needed to beat Colorado… as anyone would have expected them to. If they won and UCLA lost to USC, as anyone would also expect, one of two things could happen. If we won our game, there would be a three-way tie and we would win the tie breaker and go to the Pac-12 Championship against Oregon. If we lost, (and I honestly didn’t have much faith in us by then,) then at least Utah would go on, instead of fUCLA. I watched that afternoon game with bated breath… only to see Colorado win their second game of the season in a disgusting and unwelcome upset. They had screwed us. No matter what we did or how shitty UCLA did the following day (which they did), they were going to the Championship game. It was with a heavy heart that I settled in with some friends from home and 12 pack to watch the game at my parents’ house. Again, we lost. And I regretted watching it with my friends over my parents because they had no real loyalty to ASU over Cal and their commentary was obnoxious as fuck. 

The following Monday, the firings came. Erickson was out. Here was an opportunity to turn our program around. A week passed and other schools got coaches, but not us. Sunday came and went while we talked about hiring June Jones but didn’t, and we landed the Vegas Bowl against fucking #7 Boise State… much to their dismay. Later in the week, Jones came up again, and people flipped out. An offer was made and withdrawn, and we were painted as the bad guys. I was tempted to make fun of fUCLA and their coach-less situation, but we were no better… and then UCLA got a coach. Things were getting more humiliating every day. Today we hit rock bottom as UCLA hired our wide receivers coach and #1 recruiter Steve Broussard, costing us what will likely be much of Erickson’s promising recruiting class.

Things had gone from bad to worse in November, but with the season done and only a bowl game which we are expected to lose, nobody expected December to be worse. Thanks to the fine work of President Michael Crow, AD Lisa Love, and COO Steve Patterson on our coaching search, that is exactly what has happened. While I love ASU and will be a proud Sun Devil for life, I’m fully aware of the way some of the other schools look at us. I know of our party school/high admissions rate reputation. I saw the signs saying things like, “If you can read this sign, you don’t go to ASU” when I was in Eugene. I had a gaggle of bitches from U of A scream at me and call me a whore with STDs, as they passed by me in Palos Verdes. But I’m a proud Sun Devil and I can easily get past those things and brush them off. After all, they’re mindless stereotypes, they’re not true, and the people who say them are pathetic. However, I cannot forgive this new low we’ve reached in the public eye. It is an embarrassment and it’s looking to be detrimental to our football program.

I’m hungry. And I want blood. Here’s what needs to happen: All three leaders of this coaching search, the Triumvirate of Suck that is Love, Crow, and Patterson, need to be fired. This bullshit is not okay and I want their heads on the motherfucking chopping block for it. Second, we need a good coach and sooner better than later, so we can assemble a solid staff before it’s too late. We’ve already missed out on Broussard, due to the fuck ups of the powers that be. We need to keep offensive coordinator Noel Mazzone on, and if that means making him Head Coach, I think a lot of people will be okay with that, including the boys on the team WHO WANT HIM AS HEAD COACH. Lastly, I want to see us play Boise State so tough. All our losses this season (with the exception of Oregon, although let’s be honest… we didn’t look good second half so you can kind of include that, I suppose) were teams we were better than, TEAMS WE SHOULD HAVE BEAT. The teams we rocked against were the better ones. We have a shot. I want to win, but I at least want to put up the best fight possible. Let’s do this for the seniors, let’s do this for Erickson, LET’S DO THIS FOR US. Let’s shock the world and show them we’re not a joke after all and we’ll be back next year.

Coming soon: Another ASU rant… this one inspired by the complete bullshit lack of students that show up to basketball games. (If you bought student season tickets for football, you have season tickets for basketball too. Duh.)