the [Queen] of wishful thinking.

no joke. go put on some heels and get hot, go out with your girls, and go get hit on. super confidence boost, free alcohol, and occasionally you actually do get lucky.

I’ve given my number to so many guys at AZ bars who have asked for it, and had absolutely nothing come of it. that’s fine. and maybe going out and getting plastered is not the most fulfilling way to spend your nights. but it’s college… and it’s not like I have some perfect guy who’s chillin on the sidelines, interested and willing to treat me the way I actually deserve. there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

it totally varies too. I went out with Robyn the last three nights. wednesday night, after the ASU bball game, we went to Mill Avenue and went to this private party for this bar’s anniversary. pretty unsuccessful in terms of guys, but I mingled, was friendly, ate and drank for free. still a win. 

thursday night we went to this bar on University, Devil’s Advocate, for their Thirsty Thursdays. at first, I was way too sober and it was way too boring and mega awkward. the highlight of the beginning of the night was meeting senior safety Eddie Elders and another guy from the football team whose name I didn’t catch… and that wasn’t even cool. literally waiting in line to buy the first round and their friend comes up and taps me and says these guys want to meet us and they’re on the football team, and then they didn’t actually seem like they wanted to meet us. and then Robyn asked them who they were and they seemed pissed. so yeah, I started off being butthurt that I met my first ASU football player in real life and it was disappointing. as the night wore on, I got hit on by one guy who was a little too clingy (and “all about me right then” meanwhile I was more interested in some random kid I was trying to have a side conversation with), flirted with some hotties, and ultimately ended up hanging out with a guy who bought me two drinks, a philly cheesesteak after we left the bar, and pizza for my friend… and then asked me out on a movie date. also a win.

however, after all this, I would say that friday was really my night to shine. Robyn and I went to Old Town Scottsdale. the first club we went to was hosting a party for the Cardinals football team. at first, it didn’t seem to be a very successful stop. while ordering our first round or two at the bar with no beer goggle impairment, I immediately spotted the hottest guy in the club and pointed him out to my friend, knowing that realistically he’s out of my league. we’re drinking and dancing a little, not getting hit on, every girl in the damn club has hella junk in the trunk so I have nothing special to offer… eventually Robyn points out Mr. Hottest Guy in the Club being grinded on by some girl who can only be described as a grenade. I voice my disgust and keep scanning the club for any other standouts. and then the The Hottest Guy in the Club and I make eye contact and he comes over to me and asks if I wanna go out to the patio with him. first, let me just say that he had a very cute accent and I found out he was from France… and had modeled a bit. We talk on the patio, he gets my number, we go back in and dance, make out but he doesn’t try to go further, he buys me AND Robyn shots, he waits for me while I go to the bathroom… basically, he’s perfect.

but then of course Robyn gets bored of this club where none of the guys are her type and she drags me off to another club. we get a ride on a bike cab with this cute guy. we go to go inside club #2 and this dumb bitch realizes she doesn’t have her ID because she left her tab open at club #1. Robyn flags down the cute bike cabbie and tells me to go back and close my tab and meet her at the second club. I immediately panic a little because I don’t have any cash and no way to tip/pay the bike cabbie, he says he’s got it and he takes me back, waits for me while I close my tab, and then gives me a ride back. he’s also french by the way. we get there and he says he’ll come in for a drink with me. feeling bad about the free rides, I offer to buy his beer… and then my card gets declined making me feel ever worse. so he pays for my beer and we go sit on the deck where he seems to know all the bar staff and everyone since he’s a local. we sit and talk and hang out and before we leave for closing, his friends give us all shots of jaeger… I ended up with two. he took Robyn and I over to the Philadelphia Sandwich Co. and stayed and hung out with us where we made out and canoodled and I managed to get a philly cheesesteak for free from the kitchen boys. super successful night.

we then come back to Tempe to go to the hookah bar where Robyn likes the manager because it is now my turn to be a good winglady. I watch a movie and sit and hang out with these freshman boys who are there until the hookah bar closes at 4 and they get kicked out. my friend is still canoodling with the manager so I pass out in the hookah bar “looking like a dead hooker on SVU” apparently. by 7 am, I am cold and uncomfortable and want to get out of there, so Robyn takes me home to change and then out to breakfast at my new favorite place… the Waffle House… hashbrowns smothered, covered, and topped aka with chili, cheese, and onions = heaven. eventually I get home, soak in the tub, and sleep for about an hour before I wake up to texts from all 3 of the guys from the last two nights. 

and the summary of this story is… Pat who? which is how it should be. The end.

”_______ fucking broke me. I have feelings now.”

“I feel like at this point, if Gabe Saporta came and propositioned me for sex, I would only grudgingly hop on that d.”

“I feel like spending so much time thinking about kissing a particular boy should be reserved for sixteen year olds. It’s ridiculous though. it’s fucking lips and I’m like omg omg I wonder what it would be like. Like I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“Fuck. I feel like this whole debacle really illuminates the fact that there was absolutely no depth to my feelings for Pat.” 

I submitted my USF application on friday. until then, I’d never ever applied to a college. now it’s out there… the only school I can really see myself at now; the only school I really love. the waiting is intense. they have rolling admission, so had I applied earlier, I probably would have heard back in 2 weeks or less I’d imagine. who knows how long it will take now that everyone else turned in their applications too. what if they fill up before they even get to me? I’m so nervous. my whole life is hanging in the balance. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get in. apply somewhere else? wait it out for spring admission and be stuck in pleasanton? neither of those sound remotely appealing. I need this school. I’ve worked hard since I came back to school… never less than 18 units a semester. I had an essay I felt really good about and a recommendation letter I felt so proud of when I read. I need this. so bad. so so bad.

I can’t log in to the “application status” section of the website. it DOES say that it isn’t just for people who are still working on their apps, but also for “students who have submitted an application and want to check their status”. so why can’t I log in? I wanna check my status. I feel neurotic. it’s all I can think about. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. and my best distraction? also makes me neurotic and consists of waiting and “letting things happen”. I don’t let things happen, I push and I question and I worry. I’m neurotic.

this break has kind of sucked and been filled with mono and aches and ibuprofen and I don’t really want to settle in for another 4 months of hard work, but I’m kind of glad that school’s starting on tuesday because I need a real distraction. I’m actually happy I already have my first assignment for one of my online classes. I think I’m going to work on it tomorrow and do some cleaning because I can’t sit and think about any of this neurotic waiting and not knowing shit. I seriously might go crazy and a good heavy dose of homework might be the cure.

a week and a half into school and I’m happy to go every day and don’t mind doing my homework. calculus is a killer, but I don’t hate it or anything. I just need to work hard and keep up on it and am fully aware that I am probably going to struggle with that.

I talked to 2 out of 3 of my teachers (two of my five classes are online) and things are looking good as far as taking my finals early goes. hawaiiiiiii, here I come! ;)

so since I didn’t have work last week, the ex came over before accounting on wednesday afternoon and I had just showered and was all ready for school and he did this thing he’d never done before. he was just like “you look really beautiful right now”. and I believed him because I did look pretty good, I won’t lie. and I was wearing this new dress I love.  but he’d never said anything like that the way he did and I totally got butterflies in my stomach and just said thank you.

friday was pretty awesome. I went to sushi for lunch with my loves, Alicia and Reba, and our boss, Henry, and that was pretty fun. and then after Reba and I were arranging and setting up stuff for our after school rec site. then I picked up Daya from school, took her to get some yummy Blush, and then watched her until her mom got home from work. super easy 30 bucks. then I went over to my parents for dinner and hung out for awhile.

I came home and when I got out of the shower, Justin was over which is always a very interesting and welcome surprise. so I got dressed and then he was going through my giant ass box and bags of cds (which were in Jillian’s room because she was going through them and putting them on her computer) and then they went out to smoke hookah with Josh and Melissa and I just worked on my mass amounts of calc homework. Justin came in and was talking to me and told me he thought my hair looked really good and asked if I was just going to sit and do homework and stuff. then we all ended up going over to Justin and Mike’s to play taboo.

and then we walked to 711 which was pretty fricken awesome because I ninja hopped over this fence and got this patio furniture these people who had moved out and left for the boys. and also because when we got to 711, it was 1:58 so hilarity ensued as we saw people trying to buy alcohol as fast as they could and getting the cops called on them when they wouldn’t leave. and then after that, the four of us just sat around their table chatting and during the smoke breaks, Justin and I just stayed in and talked instead of going out with all our smoker friends like normal. the whole night was… interesting. he has my number now, so he can actually call me, as opposed to hanging out with everyone. so I’m interested to see if anything interesting will come of that, or what.

and I have the misfortune of working at the store all afternoon so I should probably start getting ready. you know, getting dressed, doing my makeup, eating lunch, preparing to be miserable, etc.

so, this whole thing really amuses me. first, let me preface this by saying that my ex was supposed to be in Europe. that’s what he claimed. and then the last few days he’d been texting me, trying to get at me long distance, which I was skeptical if he was even really gone.

now here I am, waking up and having a little breakfast and reading some Harry Potter thursday morning. I get a text from a random number “Hey this is ____. how are you doing? what are you doing?” I run through all the people I know with this first name in my head and then just go with “hey, I’m doing well. just eating breakfast and reading.” easy, and I can avoid asking who it is and will likely find out later. he asks what time I get off work and attempts to ask me out for that night. from this, I can narrow down that this is the guy I met at the gym months and months ago who posts irritatingly republican shit on facebook all the time and who I’ve never actually gone out with. I tell Republican Gym Guy that I will, in fact, not be free around 7:00 that night, I’ll just be finishing a spin class and will need to get ready to go out with my coworkers.

get to work and find out our Berkeley bar plans for the night fell through but I already have a back up since my best friend’s skater friend who I’ve smoked with a few times (and who apparently is interested in me) has invited me to go see Scott Pilgrim at midnight with them. I’d been dying to see this so SCORE. get through work day, ogle a few cute lifeguards who are probably too young for me, get through spin class at the gym, come home, shower, and get ready. my roommates, my roommate’s boyfriend, and Skater Boy all head out to the movies.

meanwhile, another guy hits me up. I swapped numbers with this guy a couple nights earlier after playing beer pong with him at a party because I told him I’d invite him to my next party I threw. (not sure I will now since A) he got so drunk, he threw up all over the couch and I hate puke more than anything B) he eventually had to be taken to the hospital by his friends because he got that sick and C) he seems to think he has a shot with me even though my roommate told all his friends that I never, ever would hook up with him, no matter how much alcohol I consumed.) anyway, Drunk Ass Beer Pong Partner texts me and starts asking how I am and about school next week, and then invites to come out with him that night. I politely decline and say that I already have plans for the night.

so we see Scott Pilgrim and it’s fucking awesome. we’re walking out of the theater, rehashing some of the movie’s many great moments, and I check my phone. I have a text from this guy who lives two apartments over and has been trying to hang out for a few weeks now. we get in the car for a rather eventful car ride to go to Shari’s and get some sustenance. I’m still texting Neighbor Guy and questioning whether I should invite him to join our group once we get back to the apartment, when my roommate who is in a separate car texts me and says “______ is meeting us there.” GASP. this is the guy I liked months and months ago, and then liked again a few months later, and hooked up with a couple times, and then hadn’t seen for another two or three months. however, I’m quickly distracted when my roommate tells me that she is pretty sure she saw The Ex come in and get a sandwich from her a few days earlier, which of course, I’m floored about. 

I text The Ex, he doesn’t respond, and I have plenty to distract me from that since my friends and I are arriving at the diner along with Hot Guido Bad Boy (yes, he has done time, he is pretty much a guido minus the whole orange thing, and he is the only guy I’ve been particularly interested in other than my ex within the last year) and his friend and this girl. this girl… within moments of her walking in, I was like mouthing “WHAT THE FUCK” to all the roommates. she was this tiny little blonde thing wearing this tiny little dress with most squeaky obnoxious voice I’ve ever heard. so my one roomie and I go to the bathroom together and I’m just like “what the fuck is this?!” and she tells me that the girl is basically ridiculous, that she thinks they’re together but that he doesn’t really like her that way, and to enjoy this entertainment while it lasts. so here I am, sitting between Skater Boy and the airhead date of this guy who I had been pretty into. kinda weird situation, little awkward, but I enjoyed myself and did my best to act cool. fast forward to when we leave and I tell Hot Guido Bad Boy he’s not invited back to our place to watch Kick-Ass and then we head home and I still don’t get to bed until five.

I get like two hours of sleep that night, wake up, and go. friday was the last day of summer camp, grabbed sushi with the girls really quick before my shift at Bath & Body where I closed with one of my favorite managers. head home around 11, exhausted and feeling fairly dead, and find my roomies, my favorite expectant couple, and a guest from out of town and lots of bud light in my kitchen. so, of course, I end up hanging… play king’s cup for the first time in ages, get the best In N Out meal ever, go to bed happy… it’s a good night.

wake up feeling exhausted once again, work at the store once again, and then we have a rather small little party on saturday night. another fun round of king’s cup, followed by my worst ass kicking ever at beer pong, and watching some more Kick-Ass in a rather zoned out state. go to bed once most people leave, sleep a little bit, text The Ex while half asleep and get into a little argument and then he shows up at my door, claiming to have just returned to the states and badly wanting to see me. don’t know if I believe that, but whatever. he ends up staying over and we sort of discuss our feelings for each other, reasons for our prior inabilities to have a relationship, and shit like that. weird. and interesting.

and then tonight, I get home from my staff meeting at the store, ready to finally go to bed early and catch up on sleeeeeep, and I’m in my room about to put on some pjs and settle in when Melissa knocks on my door. apparently HE (he being Hot Guido Bad Boy) is here and wants to know if he can borrow my movie he didn’t get to watch the other night. so, of course, I can’t just tell my roomie yes or no, I need to come out and see him. DUH. I grab Kick-Ass for him and we briefly discuss Entourage (which I got him into a few months earlier) and I tell him how I’m a few episodes behind since we don’t have HBO and my dad won’t let me watch it at their place if my little, little sister is around (which she always is) so he invites me over to watch it at his parents’ place.

I throw on an actual shirt and we head out, I end up hanging out with his mom, brother, and him for a bit and then we watch a few episodes until we finish the newest one. nothing happens. he drives me home and the car ride is a little awkward, quiet since I’m DEAD TIRED at this point. nothing happens. we walk up together since he owes Jill money and then since he’s on the phone and I don’t really want to go to bed without saying bye, I end up sitting down, watching tv and icing my leg mainly just because he’s there. he goes to talk to Jill and I poke my head in and thank him for catching me up on the show on my way to go bed. I’m sitting in my room and he pops in and tells me had fun hanging out, that we’re going to go to clubsport soon, and then he makes fun of my messy room and doesn’t believe me when I say I’m going to clean it soon and I tell him if he doesn’t believe me, he can come over tomorrow night and check. nothing major, but anything and everything is exciting when it involves him.

all in all, life is pretty interesting with the guys right now. not to pat myself on the back, but I can kind of see why my Dublin coworkers started calling me PIMP… and funnily enough, none of the guys the nickname had anything to do with were any of the ones I mentioned in this entire story hahaha. bow down, kids, because I’m kind of a boss right now. 

just because the boy shorts i’m wearing to bed are too cute to waste on no one.

so there’s a guy. I met him a few months ago, he was friends with my friend’s boyfriend and we would all hang out. we all thought he was hot. my one roommate and I even had this sort of unspoken little competitive streak in regards to him. except the main difference was that I really genuinely liked him, whereas she just liked the attention and all that bullshit. and I mean, he didn’t like her anyway so it was all just annoying twat swatting and whatnot. but anyway, we’d all hang out and I loved to see him and it was always fun. there was an awesome time hanging out at chili’s after they closed followed by one of many movie nights, and an even better night playing a very loud and competitive game of taboo with his belligerently drunk little brother. and then we had this stupid falling out that I won’t get into, and he never came around anymore despite being really good friends with my other roommate.

and then one sunday night, about a month ago, while my roomie and I were avoiding being home, driving around, and doing middle of the night grocery shopping, the aforementioned guy calls jill up and wanted to hang out. and I’m sitting here thinking “hmmm.. this is awkward, does this mean I’m going to have to go home?” but apparently I didn’t because then he comes and picks us up. and the first minute or two, I was sitting in the backseat feeling fucking awkward, and then things were pretty normal. we took care of a few things and then he drove out to berkeley and the three of us sat and stared at this amazing view and talked until 4 am, and I knew I wasn’t over him.

the whole rest of the week, I kept hoping we’d all hang out again, but it didn’t really happen. and then that friday night, a few girls came over for a margarita night. just when my head was just starting to spin a little, him and his hot roommate came over. the whole thing was pretty weird but I had plenty of water and quickly sobered up. one of the girls that was over was in the middle of a fight with her boyfriend and was hella fucked up and she was all over the guy I liked, meanwhile his friend was all over me and I was just annoyed and a little uncomfortable even though he is honestly super good looking.

and then the other girls left and I found myself alone with justin, sitting on the kitchen counter watching him cook, talking about anything and everything, including why we’d stopped talking before, and eventually ended up on the topic of what we’d both wanted four months earlier. and then the next thing I know, I’m backed against a cabinet across the room, and he’s kissing me. finally. and then before I know it, we go back to my room, and the chicken he was cooking is so burned. the whole night once everyone disappeared was basically perfect, and I even thought I had a really healthy and realistic attitude about the whole thing with him, but I was still pretty naive.

option a) fucking a guy you’ve been seeing for ages and having him bounce right away and then text you afterward saying “i have one word for you: gym.”

or

option b) fucking a guy and having him stick around afterward and be really nice and sweet and seemingly perfect… then a week goes by and you see or hear nothing from him. (granted, this whole thing is completely casual, and you didn’t make any effort to text him either, so he really hasn’t ignored anything you’ve said.)

which would be worse?

I do these quite often. sometimes they’re fueled by a need to get shit done for school, other times by my love of cock my social life. (that was a joke by the way. don’t be all uptight and judgmental.)

but I’m honestly starting to feel like I switch off sleeping every other night. I stay up all night one night, then the next night I konk out early, don’t sleep the next night. and then sometimes I’ll be up for an entire night doing school shit and then the next night I’ll be tucked into bed ready to sleep like the dead, my phone rings, A HOT GUY IS COMING OVER, and I spring out of bed and am fully made up and dressed in ten minutes and then I’m up until the sun comes up and normal humans are starting to go to bed. 

so here I am, class in two hours, doing homework, not wanting to go even though it’s the last week of actual classes, and I’m thinking I wonder what I’m going to do tonight. it basically comes down to this… if there will be a guy I want to make out with around, I will stay up. if it’s just chilling with the homies, that can wait for me to get a good night’s sleep. I think that’s pretty reasonable.